Parental Estrangement: The Grief That Doesn’t Die

Summer is my favourite season. I’m like a plant, I love sunshine — it lifts me up. But it’s also the time of year that is quite heavy for me.

Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. My living parents (LP)  birthday. My birthday.
They all land during these warm months. And each one brings a twinge- that dull ache that comes with being estranged from my only living parent.

You might wonder why Father’s Day is in the mix. My dad passed away, and I find the loss of him hits even harder when I think about what I don’t have with my (LP)- someone who struggled deeply to be a loving, safe, or supportive presence in my life.

Estrangement Is a Form of Grief

Estrangement is a form of grief, here’s the catch: this grief is complicated.
Because that person- your parent- is still alive. Sometimes living nearby- and still, for your own wellbeing, you can’t have a relationship with them. That’s a kind of pain few people talk about openly.

It took a lot of therapy (and a lot of ugly crying) for me to see it clearly: parental estrangement is grief... but layered with confusion, guilt, and longing. You grieve not just the relationship, but the parent they should have been- the one you needed and deserved. That line between “who they were,” “who you wanted/needed,” and “who you still wish they could be” gets blurry. 

Even now, I catch myself gaslighting my own pain:
“Maybe I overreacted...”
Thankfully (but unfortunately) my sister shared many of the experiences I had with my LP, and my husband has unfortunately bore the burden of parts of my healing journey (shout out to my rock), so he too reminds me to prioritize myself.

The other thing you mourn is the possibility of who you could have been, had you experienced a healthy parent-child dynamic. 

Forgiveness and Self-Worth

The estrangement journey also carries something people rarely talk about: forgiveness.
Not necessarily for the LP- sometimes that’s not safe, or possible. But forgiveness for yourself. For who you had to be when you were in survival mode. For the way you lashed out when you were young and angry and hurting. For the version of you that didn’t yet know how to set boundaries, or speak kindly to yourself.

I was angry for a long time. Angry that I didn’t have a close family bond.
Angry that my LP openly said they didn’t want to raise me.
Angry that I slept under the deck in winter.
Angry that I had nowhere to feel safe or belong.

Forgiveness and self-worth  have been the work of a lifetime.
Learning to love myself.
To set boundaries that I uphold with pride.
To speak gently to myself, both inside and out.
To prioritize my peace, and my family’s peace.

If you’re considering estrangement, in the thick of it, or still processing a painful parent relationship -I see you. I am you.
And if it would help to talk to someone who’s lived it and trained to support it, I’d be honoured to walk with you.

There is real healing in being witnessed by someone who gets it- truly.
You’re not selfish. You’re not broken.
You’re just doing what you need to survive, and maybe one day, to thrive.

Hang in there.

-Rachel